SWAN-SONG

2007-03-23T10:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing has changed since that time that I couldn't breathe.
Maybe some things, I guess. How often, how much it hurts.

It's difficult to tell whether or not I'm doing it to myself or if you're doing it to me or if nobody is doing it to anybody except for the chemicals in my brain to my sanity. It might be different if things affected you even kind of similarly but they don't.

I wish that I knew someone that really understood how I felt and they could tell me what I wanted to hear, but have that be the truth. Because at this point, sugar coated words are killing me but not as much as what is probably real.

2007-02-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think all it takes is a movie to show you that you're not where you want to be in life.

I don't even know enough to write about it.

2007-02-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

Cutting off my hair was analeptic, but I still feel like I'm in a competition that I'll never be finished with. My mind second guesses itself, and I get brought up and let down with my own hopes and ideas.

I wish that home was a therapeutic idea to me.

2006-11-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

I walked home from class today instead of taking the bus.
I thought it was a good idea since it will probably be the last time for a few months that I would be able to do that and enjoy it. I even ran the risk of calling my mom and talking to her on the way home. I love when things are pleasant.
Pleasant walks with pleasant conversations. I'd love it if I could just convince myself to keep it that way.

I think that there is certain music that inspires you to change your life..
Maybe it shouldn't get all the credit because the whole time you knew that a change was needed, but you just didn't know how, but the music is just what pushes you over the edge. And at the bottom of the everything is this relief that you didn't even know that you could feel. But even though it probably won't last past the afternoon, you appreciate the music and the people and the mountain you climbed to get that point where the air finally isn't too thick to breathe.

2006-11-13T15:32:00.000-05:00

A giant step forward and a half-a-step backward is still progress.

2006-11-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

It's kind of nice when you get your way on accident.
When you know that you're supposed to be a big kid about something
and you've accepted that you have to deal with it
but then it's like something or someone knows that even though you were going to
you're not ready for it just yet,
and he/she/it gives you a break.

It's like those days of middle/high school when you woke up early, crawled to the bathroom to shower with your eyes just barely open, and just before you stepped in to jolt your body awake your mom knocked on the door and said "school was just cancelled, you can go back to bed." and as you climb back in, your bed has never felt warmer, more comfortable, or safer in your entire life.

safe beds and safe arms.
and I've never been more grateful.

2006-11-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

It's November now and that's strange.

The first of the month marks the first day of a new mindset.
That's an awful lie, though. And it'd also be a lie if I said it was for you.

The truth is, they're like monsters under the bed.
I close my eyes and I can feel they're presence.
It's enough to make my stomach turn and my skin crawl.
All I want is for them to go away, but they keep getting invited back.

The cold breeze is sharp and it keeps my mind on staying warm.
I'm so increbibly unbalanced.